Genghis Khan: Steppe Up To The Plate

Genghis Khan means Supreme Conqueror. Remember to take a good name if you're going to rack up six-digit body counts.  Genghis Khan stormed across central Asia in the roaring 1220s, conquering more land than any single man ever had or ever would. His armies controlled over 5 million square miles. This is an area as big as all 50 states and Mexico combined. The namby-pamby Lewis and Clark made a lifetime achievement out of skipping through an area half this size and giving out lollipops, but Genghis stabbed westward with his Mongol horde and slew anyone who stood opposed. If you have a horde of anything coming after you, you're going to lose. If you're born with the name Temujin, which means "man of iron," forge something better with your life than pots and horseshoes.

With simpler technology than Napoleon, a humbler pedigree than Alexander the Great, and less resources than Julius Caesar, he stormed through steppe, mountains, and desert to subjugate millions. He levied tribute from far away like no king would do until European colonization. He devised a mounted mail system, the first iteration of the Pony Express. Using relay stations stocked with riders and horses, a message could travel hundreds of miles in a few days. Genghis would quickly find out when city-states rebelled, whereupon he would condemn them to swift judgment, often riding back to see to it personally. It wasn't worth asking if Genghis was going to get you, it was merely a question of when.

Unfortunately, Mongolia today is a  shadow of its erstwhile glory. When most people hear of Mongolia or Genghis Khan, they visualize piles of noodles when they should be seeing piles of heads; a sizzling grill when they should be seeing a burning city. Look at this pathetic example to the left. Not only has Genghis been made into a selling point for greasy food, he's not even Mongolian most of the time! If you think General Tso would have stood a chance against  Temujin, you're deluded. Hopefully these places will cease to be patronized as long as they sully the mighty name of their country's conqueror. If you must historically name your restaurant, do a tyrant a tongue-in-cheek favor. How about Vlad's Turkish Shish-Kebabs?

Think of Genghis at the head of a thundering column of mounted swordsmen, bent on stomping your tiny village into submission. That's how he would wish to be remembered. After all, you may even be a distant relative of his. According to some genealogists, as much as 0.5% of the world's population shares a unique chromosome with ol' daddy Khan, around 16 million people. Genghis was a regular Wilt Chamberlain, who was aptly nicknamed Wilt the Stilt. You could make the proper adjustment; Geng the W...but I'll leave that to you. I feel like his virility alone deserves its own article, which I am not going to attempt writing just yet. So for today, I will let you imagine the tumultuous pounding of Mongol, um, hooves on the horizon.

Sweet dreams. To give credit, these photos are from the movie "Mongol," about Mr. G's rise to power. A worthy flick, especially if you like seeing rival tribes battle it out and roast victory goats. It's a proper epic: long, but worth it.