Vlad Tepes, or Vlad the Impaler

You ever wonder where Dracula came from? Everyone’s favorite bloodsucking Balkan was based on a real person. A tyrant so vicious, people thought he actually drank blood. A warlord so brooding, he impaled any fool who irked him. He was Vlad III the Impaler, also known as Vlad Dracul, Vlad Tepes, and The Biggest Badass Who Ever Lived.

Vlad the Impaler was the ideal tyrant. He set an example that any aspiring tyrant should follow. Let’s see: did he fancy an obscure form of torture? Check. Wielded absolute power? Check. Made decisions based on his own obscure sense of moral superiority? Check. Punished friend and foe alike for no good reason? Check. Good reason wasn’t really an issue with Vlad. If you crossed him, you got impaled. If he was having a bad day, you got impaled. If your motives were questionable, you got impaled. If you didn’t bow low enough, you got impaled. If you didn’t doff your cap quickly enough in Mr. V’s presence, it literally got nailed to your head. Reason was irrelevant to Vlad. The threat of impending impalement was reason enough for his kingdom to get its act together.

Vlad Tepes was the Voivode of Wallachia, which is now southern Romania. Wallachia was what you think of when you hear the term “Dark Ages.” It was filled with mud, thatch huts, castles, creepy woods, wolves, and the constant threat of invasion. Due to Vlad’s influence, people are still afraid of being impaled in Romania to this day. Plus, having a creepy title like Voivode guarantees the trembling devotion of your subjects.

Much of the available information about Vlad’s life is shrouded in mystery, and it can be hard to pinpoint the line between truth and fiction. A lot of anecdotal, and probably questionable information, came in the form of pamphlets. These were distributed throughout Europe in the centuries following Vlad’s reign of terror, full of stories about his fearsome tactics and swift judgement. The truth of the details was never certain, but even if the numbers of impaled and dead were halved, he’d still be one dangerous dude. Here’s a paraphrase of one story:

“Vlad Tepes was very concerned that all his subjects work and contribute to the common welfare. He once noticed that the poor, vagrants, beggars and cripples had become very numerous in Wallachia. He issued an invitation to all the poor and sick in Wallachia to come to the capital city Tirgoviste for a great feast, claiming that no one should be poor or hungry in his land. As the poor and crippled arrived in the city they were ushered into a great hall, where a fabulous feast was prepared for them. The guests ate and drank late into the night. Vlad himself then made an appearance and addressed them with arms outstretched, asking, "What else do you desire? Do you want to be without cares, lacking nothing in this world?" When they replied with a resounding “Yes!” Vlad ordered the hall locked up and set aflame. None escaped the inferno. Vlad explained his action to the landowning boyars by claiming that he did this "in order that they represent no further burden to other men, and that no one will be poor in my realm."*

Was this guy for real? Hell yes. Vlad didn’t give out foodstamps or sign a welfare bill. Instead, he let all the disenfranchised and crippled live like rockstars, and benevolently ended their high life on a high note. No tax burden, no legislation, just a quick and fearsome solution. This is probably the best that these poor and crippled ever got treated. I don’t think this solution would be feasible in our modern society, although back then it probably quarantined a good deal of plague and leprosy.

And that’s not the only atrocity that Vlad is renowned for. He impaled people whenever it struck his funny bone, and once even forced the boyars (landowning barons) to dine with him in a forest of impaled corpses. Amidst the stench of death and bodily fluids, one of them foolishly plugged his nose. Vlad had this wiseguy impaled on a stake higher than the rest, since the boyar apparently thought himself above the stench. He often dined this way, with a thief, wrongdoer, or Turk wriggling on a stake in front of him. He also averted a Turkish invasion by impaling several thousand captive Turks along the banks of the Danube river in southern Wallachia. The Turkish army was so disheartened by the sight of their mangled countrymen that they turned and went back. That would be like Russia turning away from invading tiny Czechslovakia in 1968. Instead of leaflets, Vlad’s idea of propaganda was impaled Turks. It takes a truly twisted bastard to use impalement as incentive, but Vlad was convinced of its redemptive, healing power.

Vlad Tepes was an ideal tyrant because he didn’t conform to some obscure moral code; he just made up his own as he went along. He was a member of a secret society known as The Order of The Dragon, and that’s how he came to be known as Dracula (Dracul is Romanian for Dragon). If I could write a guide for aspiring Tyrants, membership in a dark secret society would be one of the first suggestions. Having a cereal inspired by your dark deeds would be the next requirement. You can enjoy Count Chocula around Halloween, and impale little bat-shaped marshmallows on your spoon. It’s the only cereal I know of that’s been inspired by an Eastern European warlord.

Throughout the life of this blog, be prepared to read many more treatises on Vlad’s life. Vlad’s wimpy, conniving brother Radu the Handsome needs to be humiliated, The Order of the Dragon needs to be revealed, and impalement deserves its own article. Vlad Tepes was a model tyrant, and we ought to pay ample attention to his brooding, impetuous, impaling legacy.

*this pamphlet anecdote's structure and verbage were borrowed from this source, and edited for grammar and content