Castro Suspects Nuclear War

Tyrants must shepherd the emotions of their subjects. Desire must be harnessed into action. Anger must be cast down on enemies of the state and party. And fear ought to be channeled into motivation. 

Point the Accusatory Finger for effect.

Fidel Castro has utilized the people's desire throughout his "tenure" as sole dictator of Cuba, and in one of his first political actions in years, he just did it again.

If you've hired good textbook and news-editing committees, you'll be able to throw them into a panic quickly. Threaten impending doom. Wave your arms and use big words like "conflagration" or "holocaust" to rouse their passions and swell the ranks of your military.


Fidel, the Cosmo Kramer of Tyrants, can always be trusted to enter proudly with a cigar, speak with fervor, and rouse suspicion in every listener. A good tyrant is a manager of suspicion. He raises it up, nurtures it, and then lets it ferment. He even lets it stand in a court of law as evidence. 

North Koreans Learn Shameball

After a lackluster performance in the 2010 FIFA World Cup, North Korea has shown its appreciation for their hardworking stars by publicly shaming them. Their coach? Sent to work construction. Team building exercises, anyone?

That's right, hide your face from your dear leader.

Public humiliation is better than instant capital punishment. Show your athletes that failure is not an option, and your citizens will get the message. How can you run a good police state without making public figures pay for failure? You can't, so get those shaming pedestals ready for their un-triumphant return home. Take all the credit if your athletes do great, but if they fail be sure to cast them into the bowels of your dungeons after descrying their puny efforts on state TV. Oh, the joy of sportsmanship! Thanks to Kyle for the link.

Poster Thursday: Fascist Flair

After all this communist blather, I thought I'd compose an ode to fascist art. The Italian Fascist government under Benito Mussolini was ideal: a whole nation with a penchant for the dramatic called upon to design uniforms, weapons and parades. They had the freaking Romans to look to for inspiration. What a disappointment that gladiatorial battles didn't come back. What a greater shame that the mama's boys filling the ranks of Italy's army fled at the first sounds of battle. Rome's legions once made Germanic tribes piss in their deerskin leggings.

Hijack the symbols of other nations for effect.

 The text reads "Here Are Your Liberators." Note the drama mask, something only a theatrical Italian artist would depict on an otherwise demonic poster.  This Caravaggio of chaos also imagines a burning hospital, complete with red cross and screaming children. Surely, these evil Yankees will target orphanages, cathedrals, and convents. What a genius poster. Too bad the only Italian conquests these days are naive female tourists.

Which to Bury: Ceausescu or the Hatchet?

Nicolae Ceausescu, my second favorite Romanian dictator, was exhumed today to find a DNA match for an ongoing trial. This is heartbreaking news for tyrants everywhere. Can't they just leave us be? Wasn't it enough to seize him and his wife, give them an Iraqi speed trial, and execute them by firing squad?

What a lovable tyrant grin.

No, the public must have their justice. With all the fear Nicolae spread over his twenty-five years of sweet power, you'd think they'd be afraid to dig up his grave. The man's ghost surely rules the spirit world with a suspicious eye and an iron claw.

Nicky Chu (my nickname for him) deserves a more in-depth article. He established Securitate, a top-notch secret police force, gave his Labrador a motorcade, and was generally an all-around nice guy, as far as us bloodthirsty tyrants go. If he had impaled with impunity, he'd get more props from me than Vlad Tepes.

The USSR Anthem: A Study in Motivation

Nothing helps one command absolute power like a great national anthem. After all, what are your parades going to march to? Salute this tableau of Soviet power:

This video does wonders for the national soul by evoking an idyllic feudal past. It's a clever twist on history, since Russian farmers have been chaff to the ruler's sickle for centuries.  We also enjoy vistas of Moscow, massive parades, inspiring scenes of dead visionaries, and peasants smiling nervously in front of the camera. I was so moved after I watched it that I imprisoned seven mediocre Olympians.

Some key lyrics include "An unbreakable Union of free republics" and "Soviet flag, free flag, Let it lead from victory to victory!" A little comedic hyperbole on your part will always motivate the masses. Make sure to have your police informants watch for anyone not singing con brio at your rallies. The rest of the lyrics can be found here.