Military Parades: A Dictatorial Necessity

All apologies for the Tyrant's hiatus from his balcony. After a long trip to my summer fortress overlooking the Caucasus Mountains, I am back on my pedestal and prepared to speak with ardor to my throngs of adoring subjects.

If the tyrant wishes to ensure their nation's continued devotion, and strike fear into the souls of their enemies, one of the most effective tools is an ostentatious Military Parade.

Let your imagination run rampant. Massive missile trucks, goose-stepping troops, and obsolete cavalry brigades are must-haves. Your might must go on display to the known world. Spending for epaulets and ceremonial swords will go through the roof, but oh, the fun you'll have!

You must employ a bombastic parade planner. Who else is going to artfully arrange the marching columns and order sword tassels? All you should have to do is salute them from your balcony. Give this planner access to your empire's coffers, and you won't be disappointed. If the parade is unsuccessful, you can always send them to a labor camp.

The ceremonial accoutrements will show that you are a dictator that cares about history, despite the fact you're rewriting it. A burly column of tanks snarling along behind your mounted troops will keep the parade from being a lame PR event. In case the crowd was thinking about rioting, the tanks are there to say "hey, we'll fill our treads with you, if you nominate yourself." What if the tank driver in Tianamen Square had kept going? No more protest, no conversation about the strength of the human spirit, just a lot of people saying, "glad I'm not that guy." And if the foolish democratic nations reprimand you, what should the tyrant's response be? "Shouldn't have been standing there."

Wed culture with brute force, and evoke your nation's warlike past. Have children march in front of the soldiers with baskets of flowers, so you can melt spectator's hearts while you keep them in a vice grip. Maybe traditionally dressed dancers or folk musicians will add a special tenderness to an otherwise Spartan spectacle. The Nazis used torches to remind everyone they're still barbarian Huns at heart.


Say what you want about the Nazis, but you have to agree that a torchlight parade would inspire devotion and, as the video says, "provoke reflections impossible to be ignored."

Your subjects will cower in fear at the sight of their own conscripted brothers marching, the world will watch in trepidation as your nuclear missile trucks drive by, and the masses will see you staring on in approval from your balcony. Dress to impress. This is the time to show off your gallant red cape, ermine robe, or gilded armor. Come down from your pedestal and shake hands with the troops. Aw, you're a nice guy, after all! But then scowl and point out the scuffed leather boots of one of the regulars, because you're nobody's friend.















Stellar example of a North Korean marching column. Note the terrific use of bayonets, a clue to the crowd that rebellion would be a bad idea.