Henry VIII of England: Poet, Priest, and Potentate

 

Oh, Henry! Reading about the second Tudor king's laundry list of tyrannical accomplishments made me reach for a candy bar. Henry VIII was King of England and self-proclaimed head of the Church of England. He reigned from 1509 until his death in 1547. Throughout his tenure, there arose several tests of Henry's worth as a monarch, which he passed with flying colors.

First, remember to have William Wallace on your side if you're a bekilted Scotsman trying to invade England. King John IV of Scotland neglected this simple fact in 1513, and got his lily ass handed to him by an inferior force of Englishmen. King John was slaughtered in battle along with his son, eleven earls, fifteen lords, and three bishops. 

Another test for Henry VIII came when thousands of English Northerners revolted in a religious uproar called the Pilgrimage of Grace. In response, Henry promised their leader Robert Aske that he would negotiate. Robert dismissed the slovenly rabble and came at Henry's invite to a banquet in London. Not a year later, Henry had him arrested and suspended in chains from Clifford's Tower to die above York. Not so graceful now, are we, Robert? Henry was just getting warmed up. After stomping Aske, he released an order to his northern nobles that read as follows: 

"You shall in anywise cause such dreadful execution to be done upon a good number of every town, village and hamlet that have been offenders in the rebellion, as well by hanging them up in trees as by quartering of them and the setting of their heads and quarters in every town, great and small, as they may be a fearful spectacle to all other hereafter that would practice a like matter."

Henry's formidable cunning was balanced out by a hip-hop star's penchant for partying. Beyond the expected kingly interest in hunting, dancing, and poetry, he held massive wine-soaked banquets, and loved to gamble. Rolling in with his massive entourage of trumpeters and heralds, he would throw gold coins and dice to his guests so they could join in the festivities. He hosted the "Field of the Cloth of Gold," a month-long carnival for Europe's royalty. There were wine fountains, fireworks, and fake chapels stocked with priests instructed to pardon any sins. Henry stood on his throne while the crowd bounced to the orchestra and he poured champagne down the blouses of the Queen's ladies-in-waiting.

Henry VIII liked the womenfolk. Like a philandering televangelist, he spoke out against Catholicism while his loins burned for women besides his wife. Like a Mormon forefather, he found a way to marry six of them and appear mildly pious. Instead of hashing out his marital difficulties with the Pope, he created the Church of England, of which he was the sole head. A note to you aspiring tyrants: if the church denounces you for making your own rules, make up your own church. If they won't annul your marriage, just have the cardinal (or the woman) beheaded on trumped up treason charges and marry the next one.

When public opinion wavered against Henry, he pushed the Treasons Act of 1534 through parliament, which pronounced guilty anyone who might "slanderously and maliciously publish and pronounce, by express writing or words, that the king should be heretic, schismatic, tyrant, infidel or usurper of the crown." If you called Henry a tyrant, he confirmed your suspicions and had you beheaded.

Believe me, there is much more to tell about our fascinating friend Henry VIII: the six wives, the destruction of the monasteries, the founding of the British Navy, and The Mob of Evil. But I hope that this panoply of regal delicacies has sated your curiosity for the time being.