Secret Police: A Tyrant's Best Friend

As you consolidate your power and drink in the adulation of the masses, remember that not every tyrant is celebrated. Some people will actually question your rule. They will whisper to coworkers, friends, and acquaintances all sorts of lies about you. They must be taught that that is not how things work. Since they've bitten the hand that feeds them, they are no better than dogs. Dogs that hold underground meetings and raise up opposition to your glorious regime. Organize a Secret Police force to find out who's talking. When the office loudmouth doesn't show up at work next Tuesday, you can bet on a nice productivity spike. On Wednesday, your name will praised by the lips of every former detractor.


Your first order of business is to appoint a fitting chief. Look at Lavrentiy Pavlovich Beria here. He posesses the requisite beady eyes, wire-rimmed glasses, and baldness. If I saw Beria on the street, I'd appoint him based on looks alone. Don't pick the strapping lad with a full head of hair; he's not bitter and vindictive enough. Mr. B was famous for his leadership of the NKVD of the Soviet Union, quite possibly the most devastating secret police force ever to supress a populace. During the first Great Purge in the Soviet Union, Josef Stalin and the former NKVD chief Nikolai Yezhov saw an average of nearly 1,000 people executed each day. A grand total of anywhere from 600,000 to 1.2 million enemies of the state were sent to the gulags or shot. The NKVD gave arrest and execution quotas to local commissars, which had to be filled or else the leaders themselves would be accused of behavior problems. 


When you name your police force, remember to intimidate. The NKVD was preceded by the sinister Cheka, Nazi Germany employed the Gestapo, and Ivan the Terrible formed the Oprichnik. What one word will be whispered in terror amongst the huddled masses you rule over? The Secret Police must also employ a catchy slogan. The Khmer Rouge used to radio broadcast their heartwarming motto, "to keep you is no benefit. To destroy you is no loss."



Secret Police are no good unless they keep a sharp eye. And you can't do this without some creativity. The East German Stasi used a host of toys, like this unassuming trashcan microphone. Oops, shouldn't have used the President's name in vain when you threw away that government issue bag of moldy potatoes! Informers are priceless. Remember to give them plenty of incentive, like first grab at the possessions of their friends after they're sent to Siberia. But then punish their thieving ways, because no party member should grub for the people's wealth!



Always follow the NKVD's example of internal accusation. No true secret police force keeps the same staff for a year or even a month. Jog the roster, so to speak, and you'll be sure to keep them loyal.


cited: Soviet Repression Statistics