The USSR Anthem: A Study in Motivation

Nothing helps one command absolute power like a great national anthem. After all, what are your parades going to march to? Salute this tableau of Soviet power:

This video does wonders for the national soul by evoking an idyllic feudal past. It's a clever twist on history, since Russian farmers have been chaff to the ruler's sickle for centuries.  We also enjoy vistas of Moscow, massive parades, inspiring scenes of dead visionaries, and peasants smiling nervously in front of the camera. I was so moved after I watched it that I imprisoned seven mediocre Olympians.

Some key lyrics include "An unbreakable Union of free republics" and "Soviet flag, free flag, Let it lead from victory to victory!" A little comedic hyperbole on your part will always motivate the masses. Make sure to have your police informants watch for anyone not singing con brio at your rallies. The rest of the lyrics can be found here.

Secret Police: A Tyrant's Best Friend

As you consolidate your power and drink in the adulation of the masses, remember that not every tyrant is celebrated. Some people will actually question your rule. They will whisper to coworkers, friends, and acquaintances all sorts of lies about you. They must be taught that that is not how things work. Since they've bitten the hand that feeds them, they are no better than dogs. Dogs that hold underground meetings and raise up opposition to your glorious regime. Organize a Secret Police force to find out who's talking. When the office loudmouth doesn't show up at work next Tuesday, you can bet on a nice productivity spike. On Wednesday, your name will praised by the lips of every former detractor.


Your first order of business is to appoint a fitting chief. Look at Lavrentiy Pavlovich Beria here. He posesses the requisite beady eyes, wire-rimmed glasses, and baldness. If I saw Beria on the street, I'd appoint him based on looks alone. Don't pick the strapping lad with a full head of hair; he's not bitter and vindictive enough. Mr. B was famous for his leadership of the NKVD of the Soviet Union, quite possibly the most devastating secret police force ever to supress a populace. During the first Great Purge in the Soviet Union, Josef Stalin and the former NKVD chief Nikolai Yezhov saw an average of nearly 1,000 people executed each day. A grand total of anywhere from 600,000 to 1.2 million enemies of the state were sent to the gulags or shot. The NKVD gave arrest and execution quotas to local commissars, which had to be filled or else the leaders themselves would be accused of behavior problems. 


When you name your police force, remember to intimidate. The NKVD was preceded by the sinister Cheka, Nazi Germany employed the Gestapo, and Ivan the Terrible formed the Oprichnik. What one word will be whispered in terror amongst the huddled masses you rule over? The Secret Police must also employ a catchy slogan. The Khmer Rouge used to radio broadcast their heartwarming motto, "to keep you is no benefit. To destroy you is no loss."



Secret Police are no good unless they keep a sharp eye. And you can't do this without some creativity. The East German Stasi used a host of toys, like this unassuming trashcan microphone. Oops, shouldn't have used the President's name in vain when you threw away that government issue bag of moldy potatoes! Informers are priceless. Remember to give them plenty of incentive, like first grab at the possessions of their friends after they're sent to Siberia. But then punish their thieving ways, because no party member should grub for the people's wealth!



Always follow the NKVD's example of internal accusation. No true secret police force keeps the same staff for a year or even a month. Jog the roster, so to speak, and you'll be sure to keep them loyal.


cited: Soviet Repression Statistics

Tyrant's Tool Tuesdays: Reeducation Camps

One of the best ways to crush your enemies is to send them to a proper reeducation camp. It guarantees that your ideas will be accepted, and that anyone who doesn’t take them to heart will enjoy some nice pickax-swinging labor. There’s nothing like splintered hands and trench foot to change a rebellious mind.

The victories of any good tyrant should encompass more than just “strategic” victory. You can’t forget about moral victory, where the defeated enemy is happy to be defeated and finds themselves agreeing with you. If your citizens, prisoners and political dissidents don’t share your convictions, make like the Soviet invaders in Red Dawn and send them to a reeducation camp.

Reeducation camps have been around as long as dictatorships have. The Romans were mighty implementers of slave labor, and scorned their enemies by exacting tribute from conquered peoples. As technology advanced, these camps evolved into more complete tools for control. The Soviets sent political opponents to the Gulag, the Chinese threw their dissenters into Laogai camps, and the Vietnamese used the “trại học tập cải tạo,” which you can’t say three times fast without being re-educated. China’s Laogai system is famous for its tagline: “Forced labor is a means toward the goal of thought reform.”

How should you run a proper camp? There are many fun tools available to you. Never underestimate a good camp administrator. Find a proper warden candidate—ideally, one that is vengeful. Take a high-ranking military officer who has a history of clamoring for power, and demote him to camp warden. His anger against you will be fueled, but instead of upstaging you or planning a coup, he’ll take out his jealousy on the prisoners. Two birds with one stone. You could also get creative and promote one of your political dissidents to camp warden. The sudden rush of power will feel so good that he will forget why he disagreed with you in the first place. The sniveling cur will do his job with such gusto that you might want to promote him to general. But don’t. Make another prisoner into the camp warden and send the first guy back to forced labor.

A good speaker system is necessary for re-education. Your political ideology is much more likely to be believed when broadcast over a wide area at loud volumes. The louder, the better. Above a certain decibel level, your prisoners won’t be able to think straight. First, place wooden or metal towers around your camp. Next, install your speakers. They should blare with a metallic resonance. They should be static-tinged, but not so much that they are unintelligible. Just static enough to grate on the ears and inject your propaganda into beleaguered minds. Make sure that your gentle voice is heard over the speaker system at all hours to encourage contrition for their sins against you. You could even have a statue of yourself erected, with a speaker for a mouth. Have this statue belt out inspiring quotations, or better yet, demand that all present bow to it three times a day. You could have objectors thrown into the furnace like King Nebuchadnezzar II.

Speakers aren’t a cure-all, though. You’ll need to put your enemies to labor, that they may repay you for the grief they’ve caused. What public works need to be constructed? What minerals need to be torn from the earth? Well, by disagreeing with you, your army of prisoners just agreed to help you construct, extract, and harvest to your heart’s content. “You just pulled landscaping duty,” you might inform them. You may build a wall on one of your domain’s borders, construct newer, bigger prison camps, or erect monuments to your nation’s glory. Can you think of any arbitrary ditches that need digging? Regardless, you are mortaring bricks with the blood of your enemies, which should please any proper tyrant. Mining is also useful. May I recommend coal? As your dissidents’ lungs blacken in the darkness, they’ll repent of their foolishness, only to be greeted by more days, months, and years of soot and grime. Their morale will be crushed by repeated cave-ins, and you will be able to fuel your war machines and warm your capitol city with all the cheap energy.

Creativity will be your friend as you find ways to make your enemies pay. Torture can be too heavy-handed. Subtly break the dissenter’s spirit as you break their body, and you could conscript them into your army when they’ve been straightened out. Your prisoners are valuable assets, though relatively expendable, depending on your mood. Ask yourself one question: “what have my political opponents done for ME lately?” Probably not a lot. Put them to work.